Friday, August 1, 2014

Creative Excuses

"I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?"

Ah, Blogger. We meet again!

How many times have you seen The Princess Bride? I was deprived of this brilliant film until about 7 years ago when a friend of mine began quoting the nonsense of Inigo Montoya. I had no idea what he was talking about, but laughed anyways because I'm embarrassingly easy to entertain. He gasped in horror when I explained that I had never even heard of the film. I went out and bought it the next day to see what all the fuss was about ($5 movie bin for the win!). I must have watched it 15 times in the first week! I can barely comprehend the fact that I had NEVER heard of this film until I was 18 years old... life fail.

Anyways, back to my point: I like to imagine myself as cunning as Inigo Montoya when I'm attempting to personify a bad-ass via the internet. TIP: You should always read my posts in the voice of Inigo Montoya. We would all be happier in the end. Since we're on the topic of The Princess Bride (you're welcome), I wanted to share some excuses with you that have absolutely nothing to do with the preceding anecdote

I'll tell you this - these excuses are so obscure that 60% of the time, they work every time. ;) 

Here is my list of excuses in case you're in need of any creative excuses for whatever is going on in your life:

"What are you doing?" 
Getting fitted for my new spandex superhero uniform.
Washing my hair.
My dog advised against leaving the house. (Even funnier if you don't have a dog)
I have a court hearing for stealing from the cookie jar...
I'm checking on a disturbance in the force. Luke Skywalker needs me! (This could serve as two separate excuses!)
Praying over my holy socks.
I'm opening all the cereal boxes at the supermarket hoping to find new toys.
I'm trying to catch my shadow.
I'm trying to clone myself. (I have a twin sister so this is THAT much funnier)
I'm tasting the rainbow.
I'm asking Sherwin Williams.
I'm delivering your world with AT&T.
I'm checking Verizon's service..."can you hear me now?"
I'm tasting all 31 flavors at Baskin-Robbins.
I'm making it rain.
I'm eating fresh at Subway.
I'm just doing it at Nike.
I'm having it my way at Burger King.
I'm looking for the beef at Wendy's.
I'm seeing what I would do for a Klondike Bar.
I'm not lovin' it at McDonald's.
I'm calling Geico every 15 minutes to see how much he can save.

"Want to hang out?"
"I can't, (insert excuse)."
I'll be fighting crime. I have to clean my toilet.
I have to brush my hair.
I have to let my food digest. I ate 3 hours ago.
I have to check the expiration dates on my tampons.
I have to paint my house.
I have to build a bridge so you can get over it.
I have to wash my appliances.
I have to finish building my time machine.
I'll be time traveling that day.
I'll be on tour with Justin Beiber.
I'll be filming a toothpaste ad in my bathroom. 
My house is on fire.
I have to brush my teeth.
I have to train my pet fish.
I have to build a satellite for NASA that day.
My cell phone isn't working. (via text message...)
I already promised my dog I would chase squirrels with her today...
I'll be investigating the murder of the ice cream carton. 
I think I'll be sick that day.
I promised I'd help my sister fold road maps.
I have to keep refreshing the FBI website to check if I'm still wanted.

I hope these excuses get you out of all the things you don't want to do or the situations you don't want to explain. Good luck!

Happy excuse-crafting!